You don’t care

Emotions are a concept that some people just never seem to fully understand. I on the other hand have always been a girl who feels everything. I cry when I’m sad and laugh when I’m happy. I tell people how I feel, at least for the most part. I turn red when I’m embarrassed and giggle when I’m nervous. So why is it that having emotions, having feelings are so lost on others. You have those people who you allow to become close to you, you let them in and show them your quirks. Only to have them completely tear your emotions to shreds! Don’t they get that words hurt, that feelings are hard to repair and you can’t take back what you say. Self doubt starts to creep in…there must have been something you did. Why can’t you be more likeable, why are you so clingy. He doesn’t actually like you, he is just being nice to appease you. Wait for the inevitable Kelsey, one day he will tell you to get the fuck out of his life…just drop you with nothing more then a talk to you later. He doesn’t care, so why do you? His heart is cold, he is emotionless, he never wanted to be your friend. Because my heart is warm, because I have emotions and because I did want to be his friend. Words hurt, and what you said hurt me.

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One week

It’s pretty crazy how things can change in a week. Seven short days and your whole world can be flipped on its side. This has happened to me on several occasions recently. It only took seven days, one short week for a friendship that I had enjoyed and built trust in for almost a year to completely dissolve, and all I could do was watch it happen. It broke my heart in more ways than I think he will even realize. Then this last week, on May 30th, I got the call at work that my grandmother had passed away. The same grandma that I had seen just a week a before. The grandma that sat next to me, held my hand and told me that she loved me. I about collapsed at work, all I could do was sob. My emotions have been kind of numbed since, mainly because I know if I let them all surface at once, I’m pretty sure my heart will bleed out of my chest. To lose someone that unexpectedly is one of the hardest things to swallow. Putting on a brave face is what I am good at. When all I really wish is that I could talk to that one person that shut me out. I know that he doesn’t want to speak to me, but that doesn’t make that feeling go away. I’m just taking it day by day, week by week. Maybe in the next seven days, something good will surprise me this time.

Losing

“There are two tragedies in life, one is to lose your hearts desire, the other is to gain it. ”

Yesterday, I lost something.

I keep telling myself that being honest is always best, telling someone how you feel, that you love them. But what if that person forgets to love you back. What happens then.

Most situations in life can’t be prepared for, you have to face them as they come. I guess that’s the beautiful disaster of human interaction and emotion. Day to day happenings have the potential to be happy or sad. It’s all in how you deal with them.

Maybe the next one will work out, maybe the next one will look at me and see someone beautiful. Maybe, one day, I will get to feel the tragedy of gaining my hearts desire.

Five years

February 15th will always be an important day to me, no matter where I am or what I am doing. It will always be the day that my auntie left this world. Most days I don’t like to talk about it, mainly because it makes me sad. But I feel like writing about it today will bring me some healing.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. It was around the first of January that my aunt decided to get checked out, she had this nagging cough, the doctors told her it was probably the early stages of pneumonia, and that if it didn’t get better to come back. It didn’t, so she went back. This time they decided to admit her so they could try more aggressive breathing treatments, they didn’t seem to help much.
It wasn’t long after that, that whatever had a hold on her wasn’t letting up and they decided to put her in an induced coma and put her on a breathing machine. While this was all happening I did go see her, I think a part of me was wishing it away, thinking if I ignored it, then she would get better, her illness would go away.
Not to long after that, we had to face the reality that she may not get better, that was a hard pill to swallow. I was angry, upset, sad, pretty much all of the emotions you can think of. I was angry at myself that I didn’t go to see her until right before she passed, I was mad at myself that the last time I saw her alive and well was months before. But on top of all of that, I was sad because I couldn’t remember the last thing I said to her.
February 14th, 2009. I spent that night getting drunk and trying to dull the pain I was feeling. It didn’t work. The next day we took the drive up to memorial hospital in Colorado Springs. We sat in the hospital waiting room as a family, trying to occupy our minds so we wouldn’t think about the end that was to come. I remember trying to distract my cousins, make them laugh or anything. I remember seeing uncle standing alone, dealing with an impossible decision. Looking around and seeing all these faces that were just so sad.
They gave each of us a little time to say our goodbyes, I went in their and held her hand, talked to her and told her I loved her. I didn’t really know what else to say other then that. The words wouldn’t come to me.
A little before 8pm they told us they were going to take her off the machines and once she was, they would let us back in to be with her while she passed. We all gathered around her, holding hands and just watching her, she looked so peaceful, her struggle was over. Yet, she was leaving a huge hole in out family. In a lot of ways, she was the glue that held our two families together.
I will never forget you auntie, you still mean so much to all of us, and your love and love for life will never be forgotten! Keep watch over all of us. Love you more!

Safe place

I was driving home the other night, there was a light snow falling. My surroundings were so quiet, the radio was just white noise to my thoughts. The glittering snow was so beautiful and soft, it looked like someone had shaken up a snow globe. I had this safe feeling in my heart, it made me feel warm from the inside out. The last time I felt this truly safe and warm was when I still lived around my family.
I have always been a wandering soul, my mom had told me since I was a little girl that I wasn’t born to be complacent. Even when I made my grand entrance into the world, I did it with a level of impatience, haha! If I get too comfortable, I start to get restless. I start to feel antsy. That kind of stirring was what brought me to Fort Collins in 2009. Part of me was looking to shake things up and really see who I would be when I was totally on my own. Most of who I have become, I have liked, other things I haven’t. Mistakes are a natural process.
The time I have spent here has been so fun! I have met some amazing people and have started some really great relationships!
It may have taken me almost five years but I finally think I have found that age place here. Yet, that is the feeling that spooks me a little. A small part of me is afraid to want or need people too much mainly because I know what it feels like to lose people that I have really loved. Keeping people at arms length may keep some of the small anxieties at bay, but it doesn’t make it easy for them to see the woman I have blossomed into either. Catch 22!
Lately I have been feeling that restlessness in the pit of my stomach again. Are these real desires for wanting change or just my ever doubting brain trying to get me to push and run. I wish finding the right answer was as easy as typing it into Google and pressing search.
Maybe I will try it on advanced settings…

Hurt

Being human means that we are open to pain, to hurt and all that comes with it. Open to disappointment. Yesterday was thanksgiving and it was a great day, cooked a good meal, had good company, and then it took a turn that I wasn’t expecting. My grandfather had to be rushed to the hospital because of chest pains. The hardest part about all of this is that I’m here, in Fort Collins, and I’m all alone. I’m worried, sad, upset, and I’m having to be alone while I deal with it all. All I really want is for someone to give me a hug. Someone to help me keep my mind off the worry that has been looming all day. That is all I need.